Fourteen.

Rum Rationality

"I want a man who disapproves of me but insists
on keeping me around anyway."

Dear Wench Whisperer,

    my problem is that my girlfriend has tattoos, lots of them, and I don't like them. I don't find tattoos attractive on women and hers aren't even that good or artistic. Sometimes I'm embarrassed when we go out and she wears something sleeveless because I know that people are staring at her tattoos. She's perfect in every other way but I just can't get past this one thing. How should I bring up to her that it's time she thought about getting them removed?

-Please, No Ink

Dear No Think,

    rather than get her tattoos removed, it may be time for her to to get you removed.

........ i was going to end my response at that -because i'm tired and have only an hour to write this- but since i'm obligated to fill at least one page i'll swallow a laxative and explain to you why you're an idiot wrong.    
    You claim you "can't get past this one thing" but, believe me, if your girl's tattoos were to disappear tomorrow you would soon find another irrelevant thing to be bothered and malcontented by and write monkey-ass letters to advice columnists over, like her drinking habit or the severed heads in her car trunk. Tattoos are just a random thing you've chosen to dwell on. The real reason you're obsessing on this perceived imperfection is that you don't genuinely like this girl. If she really was "perfect in every other way" as you describe, then her tattoos would be beneath your concern.
    i'll share a personal experience to facilitate your comprehension (because i'm a people-pirate, can't you tell?): California is the bad-tattoo capitol of the world. This is partly because so many tattoo parlours are located next to bars or liquor stores and partly because the average IQ here is somewhere between a box of rocks and Cher. But, sadly, i live in California so i have numerous female friends who've made (under conditions of "rum rationality," i'm sure) unwise tattoo choices. One lovely wench had exceptionally regrettable ink stains -cartoonish images of animals, pithy phrases in foreign lettering, you get the idea- all over her hips and thighs. Pulling her legs apart was like opening the Sunday funny papers, there was always something i hadn't noticed before. i remember once reading her rear kneecap thinking it was my horoscope (it turned out to be a recipe for Cubra Libras). And yet, over a short time, those images of scrub-headed martians and misquoted Buddhist bromides paled to irrelevance because i liked her. Indeed, i even found myself looking forward to purusing the comic strips of her skin because she made me happy and that was what mattered. 
    This girl does not make you happy, and it follows that you probably don't make her happy either, what with your disapproval of her appearance and your anxiety over what every passing stranger might think of her. If her tattoos are as bad as you describe it only means that she is, or once was, inprudent enough to make serious, life-altering mistakes. Please consider that you yourself were one of those mistakes. But chin up, lad, you can fix this one by getting out of her life and letting her find somebody who does approve of her. So do it. Now.
    And please don't go immediately dropping anchor on some new girl whom you'll inevitably criticize over trifles and make miserable. Stay single until you find someone you really like because i don't want to be annoyed by another letter from you.

You've been whispered.

Next...

Dear Wench Whisperer,

    a couple weeks ago I was drunk and I cheated on my girlfriend. She usually forgives me when I do this but this time she hasn't. I don't know what her problem is. All I want is for her not to be pissed at me anymore but I'm out of ideas. Will you please help me out here? 

-Cheated and Sorry

Dear Cheated,

   

    No.

New Whisperage at Mutiny Magazine

Mutiny Magazine #12 is out now featuring some new Wench Whisperage. 

MutinyMagazine.com 

Sgt. Pecker's Never Touched Club Crybaby Whingefest Complainathon

Dear Wench Whisperer,

    my problem is I can't find a girlfriend. Women don't appreciate me. They use me and exploit me. They manipulate me and then give me nothing in return for my troubles. No matter how many favors I do them or how much money I spend on them I don't get anything for it. The last time I took a woman out I paid for everything the whole evening but then when I suggested we go back to my place she said she was tired and just wanted to go home and sleep. No sex, no romance, after all the money and trouble I'd gone thru.
    This has happened before, hell it happens every time, with all women. I make a good living and I drive a nice car but that's not enough for them. What do they want anyway? Why are all women so superficial? Even the ugly ones are superficial. Why can't they appreciate what I do for them? Don't I deserve at least something for the efforts I make?

-Lonely and It's Not My Fault

Loser,

    please, somebody just dig me a grave so i can roll over in it.  The bilge has been seriously scraped for subject matter this time. Your problem is contemptablecommon and not even close to interesting, but your letter is such a caviling, carping complainathon i feel like i just read a chapter of the Mangina Monologues and, for that reason alone, i simply Must. Have. Revenge. 
    Do you honestly believe that the only reason you can't find a girlfriend is because the cold and usurious females of the world are incapable of fathoming your awesomeness and hence don't realize what they're missing? Keep believing that, monkeyassdear reader, and if your head gets any bigger it's going to break your sphincter.
    i can't advise you on how to find a girlfriend because, for one thing, i'm not the Guru of How-To-Succeed-With-Women-Despite-Being-A-Clumsy-Thirty-Year-Old-Hard-on-Attached-To-A-Clueless-Ten-Year-Old-Mind and, for another thing, i think most women are better off not being your girlfriend. But since Mutiny gets pissed if i don't send them a column i'm here to help, i will identify your problem for you and thus, possibly, enable happiness and fulfillment to manifest within your contemptable, uselesstroubled life. You're welcome.
    Your problem is that you don't like women. You are angry at them after years of rejection and thousands of solitary nights spent swabbing your own bowsprit whilst plowing thru a fishless sea. You despise women yet in a paroxysm of irrationality feel that you deserve to have one. You can't find a girl at all yet insist that "Even the ugly ones are superficial." That line alone could win you the Nobel Idiot Prize.
    Your anger is palpable to women. They sense that hostility and just want to get away from it. i don't blame them. While some people radiate charisma, you just radiate 'needy,' 'desperate' and 'stalker.'     
    The good news is there are plenty of women who'll overlook your resentful demeanor and who'll gladly put out after you spend money on them. They're called prostitutes. There are also women who'll listen to your cry-baby bitchfests about how you've been done wrong by an uncaring world, they're called psychiatrists (but they're much more expensive). Still, you probably need one of those more than anything else right now.
    Lastly; since i won'tcan't help you find a prostitutegirlfriend -or even give you the least splinter of hope that you ever will- i'm going to open the Olde Pirate's Dictionary and introduce you to a very useful nautical term.
    Frigging: A kindly, though solitary, easement of nature, commonly practiced by seafaring men, particularly on lengthy and arduous voyages when feminine compire is lacking. Their worn and callused hands indeed providing but the barest relief from that incessantly recurrent swelling which doth afflict and torment them.
    Get familiar with it because, judging by your letter, you may have a lifetime membership in Sgt. Pecker's Never Touched Club.

- You've been whispered.

Thirteen.

Gates of Horn and Ivory

         Mutiny Magazine #8, featuring the return of Wench Whisperer, has just been inflicted upon the world and -for the first time EVER- i have a direct (do not pass website) link to the mag itself: Mutiny #8.
    Should you be inclined though, Mutiny does have a sparkling new website which is way more lively than the previous one so Go. NOW.
    As well, the first Mutiny pirate cruise will be setting sail this weekend. This is not a Sea of Darkness voyage but, rather, an initiation of new members into the Order of Leviathan pirate group for which Mutiny Magazine is throwing the party because somebody had to do it. i will be aboard ship and at the after party where i may or may not be offering live whisperings from the stage. The Pirates Charles will be appearing on the ship and at the party so come aloft and get yer harle on!
    Godspeed!

Violence is the Flower of Predictability

Dear Wench Whisperer,

    Every Friday I send flowers to my girlfriend at her work. It always makes her happy and she enjoys showing them off to her coworkers. The trouble is, a couple weeks ago my usual florist was on vacation and I was working late every night so I wasn't able to make other arrangements hence, for the first time, my girl did not get a flower delivery on Friday. By Saturday she had gone from sulking about it to angrily accusing me of cheating on her. She keeps asking who I'm f*cking around with and when I tell her I'm not (which is the truth) she just gets angrier. Well, the following Friday she got her usual flowers from me but instead of being thankful she arrived at my door later that evening and threw them on my floor and stomped on them until each one was crushed, all the time cursing me and my "Goddam f*ing roses!" So I missed one week. I'm sorry. Why can't she just understand and get over it? 

    - Not Sure What I Did Wrong

Dear Not Sure,

    This is serious, but it's your own fault. What you did wrong was you went and broke Flower Rule #1: Flowers should always be a surprise. There are many reasons for this rule. Among them; unexpected flowers can give a woman a rush of happiness, a quickening of romantic cheer, a pleasant surprise to inspire in her the will to continue an otherwise banal slog through the futility of pointless existence we call life. Their sudden, sweet-scented appearance can shake her from the doldrums of abysmal contemplation. You might even say they have the power to "make a nothing day seem worthwhile."*
    But flowers won't surprise her if she's expecting them and they won't give her that rush of happiness if they don't surprise her. Her appreciation of them will diminish if they become a perfunctory expectation, she'll notice them less and less each time they come but when, inevitably, the day occurs that she doesn't receive the flowers she feels entitled to, she'll notice that. She'll notice it like a bleeding herpes outbreak on your bowsprit. 
    To you, it'll be as simple as "Oh, I worked late and the florist was closed." But to her it won't be simple at all. It will be symptomatic of your lack of concern for her and the fading of your passion. It will bother her no end as she tries to figure out why you don't care anymore. She'll wonder if you're having an affair. Yes, she'll decide, you're definitely having an affair. She'll go thru her previously compiled mental list of all the women you might be cheating with (yes, every girlfriend has such a list, even the good ones who don't realize it). She'll determine the most likely candidate, 'It's that bitch who works in the next cubicle from him! I remember the way that bitch was looking at him!' (you know the one she means: that poor epileptic chick who volunteers at the charity ward on weekends and has mild seizures from time to time during which she stares blankly into space, space which you happened to be occupying once at a company party that your girlfriend was attending with you? Yeah, that one.) Your girlfriend won't believe your denials about it because the absent flowers are all the proof she needs. (you bastard.) And now, what she'll demand you do and what you will do merely to appease your angry girlfriend by proving that this (oblivious) other woman means nothing to you, is you'll fire her. Yes, you'll have to fire that (blameless) poor epileptic woman who has rent to pay and kittens to feed and whose poor, Protestant parents back in Kansas -who, after decades of praying for their misfit daughter to find a place in the world were finally singing 'She just might make it after all!'**- are going to have to hear (because to avoid a lawsuit you'll need a good reason for firing her) the accusations that their precious, special girl has turned into a tramp. And, trust me, that gossip, however baseless, will spread faster than a Lohan's legs thru the whole state of Kansas until her parents are ostracized.
    She'll probably never find another job either, because nobody wants to hire a seizure-prone epileptic cat-hoarder who was terminated from her previous position under suspicion of having shagged a coworker. The morals clause in her volunteer's agreement at the Orphan's Ward will require that she be dismissed from there too. So, to be perfectly accurate, you have condemned a blameless soul to a future of staring hopelessly at her chamber walls, withering away in a purposeless life whilst those precious kittens starve and her formerly steadfast parents are disgraced and disown her, (will alcoholic suicide be somewhere in her bleak future? Of course it will.) And all because you just H-A-A-A-D to make a habit of giving your wench flowers Every. Single. Week... (Arsehole.) Was it worth it? Well, was it? Punk? You disgust me.
    i don't think you can fix this. You're just going to have to get a new girlfriend. Not that you deserve one. Good luck.

-You've been Whispered

 

 

* and ** These are quotes from a once popular song. Here's the full version for those who don't recognize it. Godspeed ye!

 

 

 

I See Pornography and Loneliness in Your Future...

Dear Wench Whisperer,

Over the past few weeks my girlfriend has changed from the sweetest person in the world to being cruel and cold-hearted. I've been nothing but a gentleman at all times, mind you, and have always treated her as a goddess. I took my time to woo her -leaving a red rose on her doorstep every day for a week before even introducing myself- because I'm a very romantic person. We've been together five months now and my passion hasn't waned. I draw her a bath with rose-petals whenever she stays overnight, etc. Anyway, lately she hasn't been herself. She doesn't seem to care when I write her a new poem or even bother to thank me for the flowers I send every week. Sometimes I'll phone her and she doesn't answer. I'll go by her house and I can see through her window that she's there. She'll never find anyone who treats her as well as I do so why is she avoiding me? This hurts me more than I can possibly describe. In my life I've had my heart broken time and time again but I know I've found the perfect girl for me this time, my soulmate. What can I do? Help me please! 

-I'll Just Die If I Lose Her.

Dear LoseHer,

    if one could get tooth decay from saccharine prose i would have brushed after reading your letter (as is, i only had to reach for an air-sickness bag). And you write her poetry too? Ouch.
    Nietzsche asserted that those things which don't kill us make us stronger and when we look into an abyss the abyss is also looking into us. But in your case he was wrong, because that which hasn't killed you has only made you dumber. And the abyss isn't just looking back at you, it's got its legs wrapped around your head and has pulled you in so deep you can't see out of it. That abyss is your own denial of obvious reality.
    If you think ignoring your phone calls is "cruel and cold-hearted" then you've yet to plunge the shallowest depths of feminine unpleasantness. You have a nice wench here. So nice that she won't tell you the truth. But, since you wrote to me, i'll tell you what the problem is: She. Can't. Stand. Your. Guts. She wants out. That's it. Short and sour. Glad you asked?
    She's inhibited from telling you this because you've made quite clear -by your frequent overblown and exaggerated displays- that you'd be devastated and probably kill yourself over it. Her fear of your potential suicide or future stalkerdom has slightly outweighed her burden of enduring your presence (for the moment). She knows if she dumps you you'll either off yourself in some pretentious way or be camping at her doorstep with flowers she doesn't want, shouting bad poetry up to her window and otherwise embarrassing her. She is being cold to you because she wants you to end it, therefore assuring her that you'll actually Go. Away. once it's over. Since you're too dense to perceive her clear message though, she may give up on this strategy and come up with something more brutal.
    i would guess that when your mother told you you were "special" you misinterpreted what she meant, and neither are you likely to fathom why any wench wouldn't appreciate your awesomeness, so i'll explain. The reason she doesn't value your grand romantic gestures is because they aren't worth anything. Why? Because you give them away on a whim, you squander them on mere acquaintances. You gave her a red rose before you knew whether or not you even liked her. That's. Completely. Wrong. It may have gotten her to notice you but it also showed her that you're fickle and shallow. Well done, Dog Juan. Rubbing against her leg panting and drooling would have sent the same message.
    A red rose is an expression of passionate romantic fervor for the specific woman who receives it. It's very personal, and it's blasphemous to give one to a woman you don't love. The roses you left at her door were ostentatious frivolities void of any personal meaning. Hell, you didn't even know her, she just happened to be nearby. Eventually she realized you would have given those roses and written those poems to any random woman in close enough proximity to you. 
    That doesn't make a girl feel exceptional.
    So, no, your premature flowerfication didn't woo her, it simply wore her down along with your ambush of cloying words and annoying sweetnesses until, like a mighty beast stung to death by mosquitoes her resistance gave way to exhaustion, likely urged on by pity and liquor. Now she realizes her mistake and she just wants you to go away. So do it. i could advise you on how to get her to like you again but i won't because you are a stalker and you shouldn't associate with any wench. Ever. You've already admited going to her home and staring into her window just because she didn't answer the phone. What's next? Reading her mail? Searching her trash dumpster for used rubbers and sniffing them to make sure the contents came from you? Be honorable and break up with this wench. Then never bother her again. Otherwise, sooner or later, she'll shoot you. Dead. just to be rid of you. 
    And, no, this woman is not your "soulmate" nor will she break your heart. What the hell is a heart worth if it's that easy to win and to hurt? A broken heart can't occur more than once or twice in a lifetime. If you think it's happened to you "time and time again." then, believe me, it's never actually happened to you at all. Your vaguely painful pangs do not compare to the real thing but, chin up, you'll probably never experience the real thing.
    Hope this helps. You're welcome.

     

-You've Been Whispered.

...

The Whisperer is OUT ???

Aye, Wench Whisperer will be absent from issue #6 of Mutiny Magazine but my other column, The Newgate Gentlemen's Club, returns with a delightfully (and literally) uplifting story of body-snatching called: The Stiff Trade.
   So go. NOW! MutinyMagazine.com

Binge and Perjury..

"Smoking was good to me."

Dear Wench Whisperer,

I'll get straight to the point. My girlfriend has gained weight. So much weight that I'm just not attracted to her anymore. She's promised to try and control her appetite but she keeps getting bigger. I suspect she's sneaking chocolates on the sly and then lying about it. If that's not bad enough, she acts like it's my fault. She says she only started eating more because I talked her into quitting smoking. It's true, I did demand that she give up cigarettes but that's only because I was concerned for her health. Hell, I probably saved her from getting lung cancer, didn't I? Shouldn't she be thanking me for that?

    Anyway, do you think she might have a food addiction? If so, what can I do about it? I swear, I've very nearly had it with her...

-One Who Cares About an Ungrateful Wench

Dear Ungrateful Stench,

Dude, there are 1st-world problems, there are 3rd-world problems, and then there are idiot-world problems. Think very hard about which world you're living in. 

    If the wench is lying to you, believe me, it's not because she has a food addiction. The real reason for her binge and perjury is that you're an idiot who she's not comfortable sharing the truth with. And that's your fault. You have a girl who wants so badly to please you that she gave up her favorite vice, cigarettes, just because you asked her to, and that's not enough for you? You "demanded" she quit smoking? Why? What ever you claim, the real reason is because you just wouldn't accept her as she was. You wanted to change her into something more palatable to your own taste. And now you don't like what she changed into so you want her to change again. So who's ungrateful, really? Don't tax your frail mind on that question.

    Consider a few things: Firstly; cigarettes supress appetite hence smokers usually eat less than non smokers. Therefore, (i realize this is complicated but try real hard to follow it, okay?) they weigh less than non smokers. You don't approve of her weight? Well, you broke it, punk, so live with it or set the girl free. 

    Secondly: You think smoking was bad for her health? What about obesity? Is lung cancer somehow any worse than diabetes? What about stroke? Or burning to death because you were too wide to squeeze thru a window and reach a fire-escape? No, she's not going to live any longer because you so beneficently got her off the cigarettes, she'll just die from something else, possibly something worse, and it will be because of you. Yes, you did it to her. It's. Entirely. Your. Fault. Still feel good about yourself? 

    Don't go imagining you did a good deed by turning her from a smoker to an eater. Remember Douglas Fairbanks? He smoked a cigarette in almost every scene in The Gaucho. In The Mark of Zorro he fought an entire sword duel with a cigarette in his mouth. But did smoking kill him? No, it was rich food that did it. The first great swashbuckler ate himself into a heart attack.

    Remember, as well: World War 2 wasn't won by armies of eaters; it was won by armies of smokers. That's right. Lean, fit cigarette-smoking young badasses storming the beaches of Europe. The Germans were anti-smoking and they lost the war. 

    So, seriously, buy the girl a box of Lucky Strikes and beg her forgiveness. Or, better still, break up with her. Set her free to find somebody who actually likes her and approves of her as she is. You're not worthy of her and you'll just make her miserable. So get it over with.

    Lastly; recent studies suggest that cigarettes don't cause cancer at all. What actually causes a person to get cancer is the stress of listening to the incessant nagging of meddlesome busybodies bitching at them to quit smoking. Yeah, so chin up, genius, your carcinogenic piehole has probably already doomed her to that fate. 

-You've been Whispered.