Venereal Vexations Vanquished.

Monday, September 23, 2013

I See Pornography and Loneliness in Your Future...

Dear Wench Whisperer,

Over the past few weeks my girlfriend has changed from the sweetest person in the world to being cruel and cold-hearted. I've been nothing but a gentleman at all times, mind you, and have always treated her as a goddess. I took my time to woo her -leaving a red rose on her doorstep every day for a week before even introducing myself- because I'm a very romantic person. We've been together five months now and my passion hasn't waned. I draw her a bath with rose-petals whenever she stays overnight, etc. Anyway, lately she hasn't been herself. She doesn't seem to care when I write her a new poem or even bother to thank me for the flowers I send every week. Sometimes I'll phone her and she doesn't answer. I'll go by her house and I can see through her window that she's there. She'll never find anyone who treats her as well as I do so why is she avoiding me? This hurts me more than I can possibly describe. In my life I've had my heart broken time and time again but I know I've found the perfect girl for me this time, my soulmate. What can I do? Help me please! 

-I'll Just Die If I Lose Her.

Dear LoseHer,

    if one could get tooth decay from saccharine prose i would have brushed after reading your letter (as is, i only had to reach for an air-sickness bag). And you write her poetry too? Ouch.
    Nietzsche asserted that those things which don't kill us make us stronger and when we look into an abyss the abyss is also looking into us. But in your case he was wrong, because that which hasn't killed you has only made you dumber. And the abyss isn't just looking back at you, it's got its legs wrapped around your head and has pulled you in so deep you can't see out of it. That abyss is your own denial of obvious reality.
    If you think ignoring your phone calls is "cruel and cold-hearted" then you've yet to plunge the shallowest depths of feminine unpleasantness. You have a nice wench here. So nice that she won't tell you the truth. But, since you wrote to me, i'll tell you what the problem is: She. Can't. Stand. Your. Guts. She wants out. That's it. Short and sour. Glad you asked?
    She's inhibited from telling you this because you've made quite clear -by your frequent overblown and exaggerated displays- that you'd be devastated and probably kill yourself over it. Her fear of your potential suicide or future stalkerdom has slightly outweighed her burden of enduring your presence (for the moment). She knows if she dumps you you'll either off yourself in some pretentious way or be camping at her doorstep with flowers she doesn't want, shouting bad poetry up to her window and otherwise embarrassing her. She is being cold to you because she wants you to end it, therefore assuring her that you'll actually Go. Away. once it's over. Since you're too dense to perceive her clear message though, she may give up on this strategy and come up with something more brutal.
    i would guess that when your mother told you you were "special" you misinterpreted what she meant, and neither are you likely to fathom why any wench wouldn't appreciate your awesomeness, so i'll explain. The reason she doesn't value your grand romantic gestures is because they aren't worth anything. Why? Because you give them away on a whim, you squander them on mere acquaintances. You gave her a red rose before you knew whether or not you even liked her. That's. Completely. Wrong. It may have gotten her to notice you but it also showed her that you're fickle and shallow. Well done, Dog Juan. Rubbing against her leg panting and drooling would have sent the same message.
    A red rose is an expression of passionate romantic fervor for the specific woman who receives it. It's very personal, and it's blasphemous to give one to a woman you don't love. The roses you left at her door were ostentatious frivolities void of any personal meaning. Hell, you didn't even know her, she just happened to be nearby. Eventually she realized you would have given those roses and written those poems to any random woman in close enough proximity to you. 
    That doesn't make a girl feel exceptional.
    So, no, your premature flowerfication didn't woo her, it simply wore her down along with your ambush of cloying words and annoying sweetnesses until, like a mighty beast stung to death by mosquitoes her resistance gave way to exhaustion, likely urged on by pity and liquor. Now she realizes her mistake and she just wants you to go away. So do it. i could advise you on how to get her to like you again but i won't because you are a stalker and you shouldn't associate with any wench. Ever. You've already admited going to her home and staring into her window just because she didn't answer the phone. What's next? Reading her mail? Searching her trash dumpster for used rubbers and sniffing them to make sure the contents came from you? Be honorable and break up with this wench. Then never bother her again. Otherwise, sooner or later, she'll shoot you. Dead. just to be rid of you. 
    And, no, this woman is not your "soulmate" nor will she break your heart. What the hell is a heart worth if it's that easy to win and to hurt? A broken heart can't occur more than once or twice in a lifetime. If you think it's happened to you "time and time again." then, believe me, it's never actually happened to you at all. Your vaguely painful pangs do not compare to the real thing but, chin up, you'll probably never experience the real thing.
    Hope this helps. You're welcome.
-You've Been Whispered.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

The Whisperer is OUT ???

Aye, Wench Whisperer will be absent from issue #6 of Mutiny Magazine but my other column, The Newgate Gentlemen's Club, returns with a delightfully (and literally) uplifting story of body-snatching called: The Stiff Trade.
   So go. NOW! MutinyMagazine.com

Monday, May 27, 2013

Binge and Perjury..

"Smoking was good to me."
Dear Wench Whisperer,

I'll get straight to the point. My girlfriend has gained weight. So much weight that I'm just not attracted to her anymore. She's promised to try and control her appetite but she keeps getting bigger. I suspect she's sneaking chocolates on the sly and then lying about it. If that's not bad enough, she acts like it's my fault. She says she only started eating more because I talked her into quitting smoking. It's true, I did demand that she give up cigarettes but that's only because I was concerned for her health. Hell, I probably saved her from getting lung cancer, didn't I? Shouldn't she be thanking me for that?
    Anyway, do you think she might have a food addiction? If so, what can I do about it? I swear, I've very nearly had it with her...

-One Who Cares About an Ungrateful Wench

Dear Ungrateful Stench,

Dude, there are 1st-world problems, there are 3rd-world problems, and then there are idiot-world problems. Think very hard about which world you're living in. 
    If the wench is lying to you, believe me, it's not because she has a food addiction. The real reason for her binge and perjury is that you're an idiot who she's not comfortable sharing the truth with. And that's your fault. You have a girl who wants so badly to please you that she gave up her favorite vice, cigarettes, just because you asked her to, and that's not enough for you? You "demanded" she quit smoking? Why? What ever you claim, the real reason is because you just wouldn't accept her as she was. You wanted to change her into something more palatable to your own taste. And now you don't like what she changed into so you want her to change again. So who's ungrateful, really? Don't tax your frail mind on that question.
    Consider a few things: Firstly; cigarettes supress appetite hence smokers usually eat less than non smokers. Therefore, (i realize this is complicated but try real hard to follow it, okay?) they weigh less than non smokers. You don't approve of her weight? Well, you broke it, punk, so live with it or set the girl free. 
    Secondly: You think smoking was bad for her health? What about obesity? Is lung cancer somehow any worse than diabetes? What about stroke? Or burning to death because you were too wide to squeeze thru a window and reach a fire-escape? No, she's not going to live any longer because you so beneficently got her off the cigarettes, she'll just die from something else, possibly something worse, and it will be because of you. Yes, you did it to her. It's. Entirely. Your. Fault. Still feel good about yourself? 
    Don't go imagining you did a good deed by turning her from a smoker to an eater. Remember Douglas Fairbanks? He smoked a cigarette in almost every scene in The Gaucho. In The Mark of Zorro he fought an entire sword duel with a cigarette in his mouth. But did smoking kill him? No, it was rich food that did it. The first great swashbuckler ate himself into a heart attack.
    Remember, as well: World War 2 wasn't won by armies of eaters; it was won by armies of smokers. That's right. Lean, fit cigarette-smoking young badasses storming the beaches of Europe. The Germans were anti-smoking and they lost the war. 
    So, seriously, buy the girl a box of Lucky Strikes and beg her forgiveness. Or, better still, break up with her. Set her free to find somebody who actually likes her and approves of her as she is. You're not worthy of her and you'll just make her miserable. So get it over with.
    Lastly; recent studies suggest that cigarettes don't cause cancer at all. What actually causes a person to get cancer is the stress of listening to the incessant nagging of meddlesome busybodies bitching at them to quit smoking. Yeah, so chin up, genius, your carcinogenic piehole has probably already doomed her to that fate. 

-You've been Whispered.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Peace is Not an Option

Dear Wench Whisperer,

    Last night I was awakened by my fiancee emptying a pot of scalding coffee on my crotch. I screamed and rolled onto the floor to get away from her. Then she broke the glass pot over my head. I locked myself in the bathroom and she began kicking at the door and accusing me of having cheated on her. While it's true that I didn't come home on New Year's night, that was only because I was too drunk and I passed out. The reason I didn't call was because I'd puked on my cellphone but she thinks it's because I was shagging another wench.

    This wasn't the first time she's attacked me. Sometimes I don't even know that she's angry until I hear a sudden scream or a nail file stabs me from behind. When she finally tells me what she's mad about it's usually some silly triviality and she can't explain why she became violent over it. She'll insist it was her hormones that caused her mood to swing and therefore she wasn't really responsible for her behavior and tells me I'm an insensitive bastard if I don't understand that.
    Can a woman's hormones really cause her to behave like a homicidal freak? If so, what can I do about it? We intend to be married in a few weeks but I may just run for my life instead. I want to make things work but I'm terrified of her.

-Burned and Fearful

Dear Burned (and deserves to be if he marries this shrew)

    it doesn't matter why a woman breaks things over your head, what matters is that she does it. And her hormones are a part of her just as much as her face or her mind or that wretched misery-spewing pit that passes for her soul. If her hormones want to kill you then she wants to kill you. Accept that.

    Consider, as well; men have hormones too. Including a powerful hormone called testosterone which compels us to infidelities, random violence and aspirations of world-domination, yet men don't get the luxury of blaming testosterone for murders, wars, or even the occasional ass-grab. As men, we are expected to keep our hormones under control. Try shagging her best friend and then asking her to understand because your hormones made you act against your will. Women are often able to inculpate "hormonal imbalances" for their own irrational actions but no man has ever won with the "testosterone made me do it" defense. It's an unfair double standard, but life is unfair. Accept that, too.
    But before you change your identity and relocate under the Federal PMS Protection Program remember that a woman's inner psycho-bitch will (usually) never manifest at all unless the right asshole comes along to coax it out of her. So ask yourself whether or not You. Are. That. Asshole. If so, please don't inflict yourself upon the rest of the female species. Keep the one you have. You deserve her and nobody else deserves either of you.
    Lastly, whether you provoked this treatment or not, if you marry this wench then you are an idiot who deserves to be killed and supplanted by a more intelligent species. You're so stupid that Darwin himself could not explain your existence. Now, wait until her back is turned and Run. Like. Hell. 

-You've been whispered.