Venereal Vexations Vanquished.

Monday, September 29, 2014

Sgt. Pecker's Never Touched Club Crybaby Whingefest Complainathon

Dear Wench Whisperer,

    my problem is I can't find a girlfriend. Women don't appreciate me. They use me and exploit me. They manipulate me and then give me nothing in return for my troubles. No matter how many favors I do them or how much money I spend on them I don't get anything for it. The last time I took a woman out I paid for everything the whole evening but then when I suggested we go back to my place she said she was tired and just wanted to go home and sleep. No sex, no romance, after all the money and trouble I'd gone thru.
    This has happened before, hell it happens every time, with all women. I make a good living and I drive a nice car but that's not enough for them. What do they want anyway? Why are all women so superficial? Even the ugly ones are superficial. Why can't they appreciate what I do for them? Don't I deserve at least something for the efforts I make?

-Lonely and It's Not My Fault


    please, somebody just dig me a grave so i can roll over in it.  The bilge has been seriously scraped for subject matter this time. Your problem is contemptablecommon and not even close to interesting, but your letter is such a caviling, carping complainathon i feel like i just read a chapter of the Mangina Monologues and, for that reason alone, i simply Must. Have. Revenge. 
    Do you honestly believe that the only reason you can't find a girlfriend is because the cold and usurious females of the world are incapable of fathoming your awesomeness and hence don't realize what they're missing? Keep believing that, monkeyassdear reader, and if your head gets any bigger it's going to break your sphincter.
    i can't advise you on how to find a girlfriend because, for one thing, i'm not the Guru of How-To-Succeed-With-Women-Despite-Being-A-Clumsy-Thirty-Year-Old-Hard-on-Attached-To-A-Clueless-Ten-Year-Old-Mind and, for another thing, i think most women are better off not being your girlfriend. But since Mutiny gets pissed if i don't send them a column i'm here to help, i will identify your problem for you and thus, possibly, enable happiness and fulfillment to manifest within your contemptable, uselesstroubled life. You're welcome.
    Your problem is that you don't like women. You are angry at them after years of rejection and thousands of solitary nights spent swabbing your own bowsprit whilst plowing thru a fishless sea. You despise women yet in a paroxysm of irrationality feel that you deserve to have one. You can't find a girl at all yet insist that "Even the ugly ones are superficial." That line alone could win you the Nobel Idiot Prize.
    Your anger is palpable to women. They sense that hostility and just want to get away from it. i don't blame them. While some people radiate charisma, you just radiate 'needy,' 'desperate' and 'stalker.'     
    The good news is there are plenty of women who'll overlook your resentful demeanor and who'll gladly put out after you spend money on them. They're called prostitutes. There are also women who'll listen to your cry-baby bitchfests about how you've been done wrong by an uncaring world, they're called psychiatrists (but they're much more expensive). Still, you probably need one of those more than anything else right now.
    Lastly; since i won'tcan't help you find a prostitutegirlfriend -or even give you the least splinter of hope that you ever will- i'm going to open the Olde Pirate's Dictionary and introduce you to a very useful nautical term.
    Frigging: A kindly, though solitary, easement of nature, commonly practiced by seafaring men, particularly on lengthy and arduous voyages when feminine compire is lacking. Their worn and callused hands indeed providing but the barest relief from that incessantly recurrent swelling which doth afflict and torment them.
    Get familiar with it because, judging by your letter, you may have a lifetime membership in Sgt. Pecker's Never Touched Club.

- You've been whispered.