Venereal Vexations Vanquished.

Monday, September 23, 2013

I See Pornography and Loneliness in Your Future...

Dear Wench Whisperer,

Over the past few weeks my girlfriend has changed from the sweetest person in the world to being cruel and cold-hearted. I've been nothing but a gentleman at all times, mind you, and have always treated her as a goddess. I took my time to woo her -leaving a red rose on her doorstep every day for a week before even introducing myself- because I'm a very romantic person. We've been together five months now and my passion hasn't waned. I draw her a bath with rose-petals whenever she stays overnight, etc. Anyway, lately she hasn't been herself. She doesn't seem to care when I write her a new poem or even bother to thank me for the flowers I send every week. Sometimes I'll phone her and she doesn't answer. I'll go by her house and I can see through her window that she's there. She'll never find anyone who treats her as well as I do so why is she avoiding me? This hurts me more than I can possibly describe. In my life I've had my heart broken time and time again but I know I've found the perfect girl for me this time, my soulmate. What can I do? Help me please! 

-I'll Just Die If I Lose Her.

Dear LoseHer,

    if one could get tooth decay from saccharine prose i would have brushed after reading your letter (as is, i only had to reach for an air-sickness bag). And you write her poetry too? Ouch.
    Nietzsche asserted that those things which don't kill us make us stronger and when we look into an abyss the abyss is also looking into us. But in your case he was wrong, because that which hasn't killed you has only made you dumber. And the abyss isn't just looking back at you, it's got its legs wrapped around your head and has pulled you in so deep you can't see out of it. That abyss is your own denial of obvious reality.
    If you think ignoring your phone calls is "cruel and cold-hearted" then you've yet to plunge the shallowest depths of feminine unpleasantness. You have a nice wench here. So nice that she won't tell you the truth. But, since you wrote to me, i'll tell you what the problem is: She. Can't. Stand. Your. Guts. She wants out. That's it. Short and sour. Glad you asked?
    She's inhibited from telling you this because you've made quite clear -by your frequent overblown and exaggerated displays- that you'd be devastated and probably kill yourself over it. Her fear of your potential suicide or future stalkerdom has slightly outweighed her burden of enduring your presence (for the moment). She knows if she dumps you you'll either off yourself in some pretentious way or be camping at her doorstep with flowers she doesn't want, shouting bad poetry up to her window and otherwise embarrassing her. She is being cold to you because she wants you to end it, therefore assuring her that you'll actually Go. Away. once it's over. Since you're too dense to perceive her clear message though, she may give up on this strategy and come up with something more brutal.
    i would guess that when your mother told you you were "special" you misinterpreted what she meant, and neither are you likely to fathom why any wench wouldn't appreciate your awesomeness, so i'll explain. The reason she doesn't value your grand romantic gestures is because they aren't worth anything. Why? Because you give them away on a whim, you squander them on mere acquaintances. You gave her a red rose before you knew whether or not you even liked her. That's. Completely. Wrong. It may have gotten her to notice you but it also showed her that you're fickle and shallow. Well done, Dog Juan. Rubbing against her leg panting and drooling would have sent the same message.
    A red rose is an expression of passionate romantic fervor for the specific woman who receives it. It's very personal, and it's blasphemous to give one to a woman you don't love. The roses you left at her door were ostentatious frivolities void of any personal meaning. Hell, you didn't even know her, she just happened to be nearby. Eventually she realized you would have given those roses and written those poems to any random woman in close enough proximity to you. 
    That doesn't make a girl feel exceptional.
    So, no, your premature flowerfication didn't woo her, it simply wore her down along with your ambush of cloying words and annoying sweetnesses until, like a mighty beast stung to death by mosquitoes her resistance gave way to exhaustion, likely urged on by pity and liquor. Now she realizes her mistake and she just wants you to go away. So do it. i could advise you on how to get her to like you again but i won't because you are a stalker and you shouldn't associate with any wench. Ever. You've already admited going to her home and staring into her window just because she didn't answer the phone. What's next? Reading her mail? Searching her trash dumpster for used rubbers and sniffing them to make sure the contents came from you? Be honorable and break up with this wench. Then never bother her again. Otherwise, sooner or later, she'll shoot you. Dead. just to be rid of you. 
    And, no, this woman is not your "soulmate" nor will she break your heart. What the hell is a heart worth if it's that easy to win and to hurt? A broken heart can't occur more than once or twice in a lifetime. If you think it's happened to you "time and time again." then, believe me, it's never actually happened to you at all. Your vaguely painful pangs do not compare to the real thing but, chin up, you'll probably never experience the real thing.
    Hope this helps. You're welcome.
-You've Been Whispered.