Sunday, April 12, 2015

Rum Rationality

"I want a man who disapproves of me but insists
on keeping me around anyway."

Dear Wench Whisperer,

    my problem is that my girlfriend has tattoos, lots of them, and I don't like them. I don't find tattoos attractive on women and hers aren't even that good or artistic. Sometimes I'm embarrassed when we go out and she wears something sleeveless because I know that people are staring at her tattoos. She's perfect in every other way but I just can't get past this one thing. How should I bring up to her that it's time she thought about getting them removed?

-Please, No Ink

Dear No Think,

    rather than get her tattoos removed, it may be time for her to to get you removed.

........ i was going to end my response at that -because i'm tired and have only an hour to write this- but since i'm obligated to fill at least one page i'll swallow a laxative and explain to you why you're an idiot wrong.    
    You claim you "can't get past this one thing" but, believe me, if your girl's tattoos were to disappear tomorrow you would soon find another irrelevant thing to be bothered and malcontented by and write monkey-ass letters to advice columnists over, like her drinking habit or the severed heads in her car trunk. Tattoos are just a random thing you've chosen to dwell on. The real reason you're obsessing on this perceived imperfection is that you don't genuinely like this girl. If she really was "perfect in every other way" as you describe, then her tattoos would be beneath your concern.
    i'll share a personal experience to facilitate your comprehension (because i'm a people-pirate, can't you tell?): California is the bad-tattoo capitol of the world. This is partly because so many tattoo parlours are located next to bars or liquor stores and partly because the average IQ here is somewhere between a box of rocks and Cher. But, sadly, i live in California so i have numerous female friends who've made (under conditions of "rum rationality," i'm sure) unwise tattoo choices. One lovely wench had exceptionally regrettable ink stains -cartoonish images of animals, pithy phrases in foreign lettering, you get the idea- all over her hips and thighs. Pulling her legs apart was like opening the Sunday funny papers, there was always something i hadn't noticed before. i remember once reading her rear kneecap thinking it was my horoscope (it turned out to be a recipe for Cubra Libras). And yet, over a short time, those images of scrub-headed martians and misquoted Buddhist bromides paled to irrelevance because i liked her. Indeed, i even found myself looking forward to purusing the comic strips of her skin because she made me happy and that was what mattered. 
    This girl does not make you happy, and it follows that you probably don't make her happy either, what with your disapproval of her appearance and your anxiety over what every passing stranger might think of her. If her tattoos are as bad as you describe it only means that she is, or once was, inprudent enough to make serious, life-altering mistakes. Please consider that you yourself were one of those mistakes. But chin up, lad, you can fix this one by getting out of her life and letting her find somebody who does approve of her. So do it. Now.
    And please don't go immediately dropping anchor on some new girl whom you'll inevitably criticize over trifles and make miserable. Stay single until you find someone you really like because i don't want to be annoyed by another letter from you.

You've been whispered.

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