The Whisperer is OUT ???

Aye, Wench Whisperer will be absent from issue #6 of Mutiny Magazine but my other column, The Newgate Gentlemen's Club, returns with a delightfully (and literally) uplifting story of body-snatching called: The Stiff Trade.
   So go. NOW! MutinyMagazine.com

Binge and Perjury..

"Smoking was good to me."

Dear Wench Whisperer,

I'll get straight to the point. My girlfriend has gained weight. So much weight that I'm just not attracted to her anymore. She's promised to try and control her appetite but she keeps getting bigger. I suspect she's sneaking chocolates on the sly and then lying about it. If that's not bad enough, she acts like it's my fault. She says she only started eating more because I talked her into quitting smoking. It's true, I did demand that she give up cigarettes but that's only because I was concerned for her health. Hell, I probably saved her from getting lung cancer, didn't I? Shouldn't she be thanking me for that?

    Anyway, do you think she might have a food addiction? If so, what can I do about it? I swear, I've very nearly had it with her...

-One Who Cares About an Ungrateful Wench

Dear Ungrateful Stench,

Dude, there are 1st-world problems, there are 3rd-world problems, and then there are idiot-world problems. Think very hard about which world you're living in. 

    If the wench is lying to you, believe me, it's not because she has a food addiction. The real reason for her binge and perjury is that you're an idiot who she's not comfortable sharing the truth with. And that's your fault. You have a girl who wants so badly to please you that she gave up her favorite vice, cigarettes, just because you asked her to, and that's not enough for you? You "demanded" she quit smoking? Why? What ever you claim, the real reason is because you just wouldn't accept her as she was. You wanted to change her into something more palatable to your own taste. And now you don't like what she changed into so you want her to change again. So who's ungrateful, really? Don't tax your frail mind on that question.

    Consider a few things: Firstly; cigarettes supress appetite hence smokers usually eat less than non smokers. Therefore, (i realize this is complicated but try real hard to follow it, okay?) they weigh less than non smokers. You don't approve of her weight? Well, you broke it, punk, so live with it or set the girl free. 

    Secondly: You think smoking was bad for her health? What about obesity? Is lung cancer somehow any worse than diabetes? What about stroke? Or burning to death because you were too wide to squeeze thru a window and reach a fire-escape? No, she's not going to live any longer because you so beneficently got her off the cigarettes, she'll just die from something else, possibly something worse, and it will be because of you. Yes, you did it to her. It's. Entirely. Your. Fault. Still feel good about yourself? 

    Don't go imagining you did a good deed by turning her from a smoker to an eater. Remember Douglas Fairbanks? He smoked a cigarette in almost every scene in The Gaucho. In The Mark of Zorro he fought an entire sword duel with a cigarette in his mouth. But did smoking kill him? No, it was rich food that did it. The first great swashbuckler ate himself into a heart attack.

    Remember, as well: World War 2 wasn't won by armies of eaters; it was won by armies of smokers. That's right. Lean, fit cigarette-smoking young badasses storming the beaches of Europe. The Germans were anti-smoking and they lost the war. 

    So, seriously, buy the girl a box of Lucky Strikes and beg her forgiveness. Or, better still, break up with her. Set her free to find somebody who actually likes her and approves of her as she is. You're not worthy of her and you'll just make her miserable. So get it over with.

    Lastly; recent studies suggest that cigarettes don't cause cancer at all. What actually causes a person to get cancer is the stress of listening to the incessant nagging of meddlesome busybodies bitching at them to quit smoking. Yeah, so chin up, genius, your carcinogenic piehole has probably already doomed her to that fate. 

-You've been Whispered.

Twelve.

Pearl Necklace of Wisdom #6

Mediocrity must be born. Nobody achieves it.

Peace is Not an Option

Dear Wench Whisperer,

    Last night I was awakened by my fiancee emptying a pot of scalding coffee on my crotch. I screamed and rolled onto the floor to get away from her. Then she broke the glass pot over my head. I locked myself in the bathroom and she began kicking at the door and accusing me of having cheated on her. While it's true that I didn't come home on New Year's night, that was only because I was too drunk and I passed out. The reason I didn't call was because I'd puked on my cellphone but she thinks it's because I was shagging another wench.
    This wasn't the first time she's attacked me. Sometimes I don't even know that she's angry until I hear a sudden scream or a nail file stabs me from behind. When she finally tells me what she's mad about it's usually some silly triviality and she can't explain why she became violent over it. She'll insist it was her hormones that caused her mood to swing and therefore she wasn't really responsible for her behavior and tells me I'm an insensitive bastard if I don't understand that.
    Can a woman's hormones really cause her to behave like a homicidal freak? If so, what can I do about it? We intend to be married in a few weeks but I may just run for my life instead. I want to make things work but I'm terrified of her.

-Burned and Fearful

Dear Burned (and deserves to be if he marries this shrew)

    it doesn't matter why a woman breaks things over your head, what matters is that she does it. And her hormones are a part of her just as much as her face or her mind or that wretched misery-spewing pit that passes for her soul. If her hormones want to kill you then she wants to kill you. Accept that.
    Consider, as well; men have hormones too. Including a powerful hormone called testosterone which compels us to infidelities, random violence and aspirations of world-domination, yet men don't get the luxury of blaming testosterone for murders, wars, or even the occasional ass-grab. As men, we are expected to keep our hormones under control. Try shagging her best friend and then asking her to understand because your hormones made you act against your will. Women are often able to inculpate "hormonal imbalances" for their own irrational actions but no man has ever won with the "testosterone made me do it" defense. It's an unfair double standard, but life is unfair. Accept that, too.
    But before you change your identity and relocate under the Federal PMS Protection Program remember that a woman's inner psycho-bitch will (usually) never manifest at all unless the right asshole comes along to coax it out of her. So ask yourself whether or not You. Are. That. Asshole. If so, please don't inflict yourself upon the rest of the female species. Keep the one you have. You deserve her and nobody else deserves either of you.
    Lastly, whether you provoked this treatment or not, if you marry this wench then you are an idiot who deserves to be killed and supplanted by a more intelligent species. You're so stupid that Darwin himself could not explain your existence. Now, wait until her back is turned and Run. Like. Hell. 

-You've been whispered.

..

s.s.

Pearl Necklace of Wisdom #5

Just because you hate everybody doesn't mean you're a good person.

A Third Shot of Mutiny

Issue #3 of Mutiny Magazine -featuring four new pages of Wench Whisperage- is now live at: MutinyMagazine.com. 

Be whispered, and be saved...

Atonements for Idiocy

Dear Wench Whisperer,

    my girlfriend is mad at me just because I didn't give her anything on Valentine's Day. Why is this such a big deal? Isn't Valentine's Day just a lame-ass gimmick invented by florists and greeting card corporations to make money off of idiots? She gets mad at me pretty often so I thought this was just another stupid thing but now she won't even speak to me anymore. I desperately need some help here. How can I make her get over this thing? 

-No Idiot

Dear Idiot,

    i'm going to be honest because i care, well, i don't really care but i do really pity you for being dense enough that you'd commit an unforgivable impropriety and then expect a woman to "get over" it.

    Ignoring Valentine's Day is not "just another stupid thing," it's a very big deal. You haven't merely deprived her of a pleasant evening she was looking forward to, you have humiliated her. When her friends will ask her (and they will) "What did you do on Valentine's Day?" or "What did your boyfriend get you?" she'll have to tell them "nothing," and she's probably going to cry when she does. Her friends will pity her, of course, and think (correctly) that you are an unmitigated arsehole and from that moment on they will be a cabal of conspirators to get her to dump you. (these things are probably already occurring, btw).

    And all because you thought Valentine's Day was stupid. Really? Christmas parades, the Super Bowl, and Disneyland are also stupid, but they make people happy. And if something is going to make your wench happy then it shouldn't matter to you if it's stupid. Furthermore, ignoraNus; Valentine's Day has been around for centuries, longer than most florists and greeting card companies. It wasn't invented just to rip people off so, believe me, nobody is respecting your principled stand against conformity and corporate manipulation. Your girl probably suspects you're just a cheap bastard, looking for an excuse not to spend money on her. But let her think so. It's better than her thinking the truth, which is that you're an idiot. 

    Do you know what actually was invented by florists and card companies though? The Anti-Valentine's Day movement, which is entirely a ruse to exploit people's bitterness as a means of selling (worthless) dead flowers that the florist would have had to throw away anyhow. Yeah, carve this into a tree and hug it, hippie: those Anti-Valentine greeting cards are an industry so sizable that it now rivals the very thing it's protesting. So you're not exactly spewing originality or rebelliously sticking it to the man with your non-observance of the holiday, the only person you're sticking it to is yourself because, trust me, you're going to be climbing the mast one-handed for many nights to come Captain skinFlint.

    Nonetheless -only because there's a biblical edict that the stupid will always be among us and we should help them- i'm going to help you. 

    First of all, you must acknowledge: You. Were. Wrong. Don't even try to save face about it. Sun Tzu himself couldn't strategize a victory in that battle. But hopefully you can learn something from all the great sex that you're Not. Going. To. Get. for the next several months.

    An apology will not be adequate in this situation. You are going to have to repent. You must convince her that you've had an epiphany, realized how wrong you were (and explain to her why), and that you are now a changed person. She'll forgive you only if she believes this will never happen again.

    Mind you; Do NOT give her flowers at this time. Flowers should never be included with an apology because then every flower she receives for the rest of her life -no matter what the occasion- will only remind her of how angry she is at you right now.

    There is a reasonable chance that you can survive this and get your girl back, but it will only happen if you truly comprehend why you were wrong. The truth can't free you if you're too obstinate to acknowledge it. She might actually respect you for demonstrating the mental capacity to learn from a mistake and then correct yourself accordingly (most people aren't smart enough to do even that) so, go ahead, be one of the few.

                                                                         -You've been whispered.

New Whisperings..

Mutiny Magazine issue #2, featuring fresh wisdom from the Whisperer, will be out within the week.
MutinyMagazine.com 
The Flower Rules will begin -here- within the day...

Black Mask and Mutiny

Wench Whisperer will soon be spilling the ink romantic at Mutiny Magazine.  

i'll return to scribing this page anon and, as Eros is my witness, am currently composing a text so incalculable in it's utility that it well may be a factor of preservative significance to many an otherwise foredoomed existence. Do keep a masked-eye open for: The Flower Rules.

    Be whispered, and be saved...

..

s.s.