Venereal Vexations Vanquished.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Atonements for Idiocy

Dear Wench Whisperer,
    my girlfriend is mad at me just because I didn't give her anything on Valentine's Day. Why is this such a big deal? Isn't Valentine's Day just a lame-ass gimmick invented by florists and greeting card corporations to make money off of idiots? She gets mad at me pretty often so I thought this was just another stupid thing but now she won't even speak to me anymore. I desperately need some help here. How can I make her get over this thing? 
-No Idiot

Dear Idiot,
    i'm going to be honest because i care, well, i don't really care but i do really pity you for being dense enough that you'd commit an unforgivable impropriety and then expect a woman to "get over" it.
    Ignoring Valentine's Day is not "just another stupid thing," it's a very big deal. You haven't merely deprived her of a pleasant evening she was looking forward to, you have humiliated her. When her friends will ask her (and they will) "What did you do on Valentine's Day?" or "What did your boyfriend get you?" she'll have to tell them "nothing," and she's probably going to cry when she does. Her friends will pity her, of course, and think (correctly) that you are an unmitigated arsehole and from that moment on they will be a cabal of conspirators to get her to dump you. (these things are probably already occurring, btw).
    And all because you thought Valentine's Day was stupid. Really? Christmas parades, the Super Bowl, and Disneyland are also stupid, but they make people happy. And if something is going to make your wench happy then it shouldn't matter to you if it's stupid. Furthermore, ignoraNus; Valentine's Day has been around for centuries, longer than most florists and greeting card companies. It wasn't invented just to rip people off so, believe me, nobody is respecting your principled stand against conformity and corporate manipulation. Your girl probably suspects you're just a cheap bastard, looking for an excuse not to spend money on her. But let her think so. It's better than her thinking the truth, which is that you're an idiot
    Do you know what actually was invented by florists and card companies though? The Anti-Valentine's Day movement, which is entirely a ruse to exploit people's bitterness as a means of selling (worthless) dead flowers that the florist would have had to throw away anyhow. Yeah, carve this into a tree and hug it, hippie: those Anti-Valentine greeting cards are an industry so sizable that it now rivals the very thing it's protesting. So you're not exactly spewing originality or rebelliously sticking it to the man with your non-observance of the holiday, the only person you're sticking it to is yourself because, trust me, you're going to be climbing the mast one-handed for many nights to come Captain skinFlint.
    Nonetheless -only because there's a biblical edict that the stupid will always be among us and we should help them- i'm going to help you. 
    First of all, you must acknowledge: You. Were. Wrong. Don't even try to save face about it. Sun Tzu himself couldn't strategize a victory in that battle. But hopefully you can learn something from all the great sex that you're Not. Going. To. Get. for the next several months.
    An apology will not be adequate in this situation. You are going to have to repent. You must convince her that you've had an epiphany, realized how wrong you were (and explain to her why), and that you are now a changed person. She'll forgive you only if she believes this will never happen again.
    Mind you; Do NOT give her flowers at this time. Flowers should never be included with an apology because then every flower she receives for the rest of her life -no matter what the occasion- will only remind her of how angry she is at you right now.
    There is a reasonable chance that you can survive this and get your girl back, but it will only happen if you truly comprehend why you were wrong. The truth can't free you if you're too obstinate to acknowledge it. She might actually respect you for demonstrating the mental capacity to learn from a mistake and then correct yourself accordingly (most people aren't smart enough to do even that) so, go ahead, be one of the few.

                                                                         -You've been whispered.

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