Dear Wench Whisperer,
Last night I was awakened by my fiancee emptying a pot of scalding coffee on my crotch. I screamed and rolled onto the floor to get away from her. Then she broke the glass pot over my head. I locked myself in the bathroom and she began kicking at the door and accusing me of having cheated on her. While it's true that I didn't come home on New Year's night, that was only because I was too drunk and I passed out. The reason I didn't call was because I'd puked on my cellphone but she thinks it's because I was shagging another wench.
This wasn't the first time she's attacked me. Sometimes I don't even know that she's angry until I hear a sudden scream or a nail file stabs me from behind. When she finally tells me what she's mad about it's usually some silly triviality and she can't explain why she became violent over it. She'll insist it was her hormones that caused her mood to swing and therefore she wasn't really responsible for her behavior and tells me I'm an insensitive bastard if I don't understand that.
Can a woman's hormones really cause her to behave like a homicidal freak? If so, what can I do about it? We intend to be married in a few weeks but I may just run for my life instead. I want to make things work but I'm terrified of her.
-Burned and Fearful
Dear Burned (and deserves to be if he marries this shrew)
it doesn't matter why a woman breaks things over your head, what matters is that she does it. And her hormones are a part of her just as much as her face or her mind or that wretched misery-spewing pit that passes for her soul. If her hormones want to kill you then she wants to kill you. Accept that.
Consider, as well; men have hormones too. Including a powerful hormone called testosterone which compels us to infidelities, random violence and aspirations of world-domination, yet men don't get the luxury of blaming testosterone for murders, wars, or even the occasional ass-grab. As men, we are expected to keep our hormones under control. Try shagging her best friend and then asking her to understand because your hormones made you act against your will. Women are often able to inculpate "hormonal imbalances" for their own irrational actions but no man has ever won with the "testosterone made me do it" defense. It's an unfair double standard, but life is unfair. Accept that, too.
But before you change your identity and relocate under the Federal PMS Protection Program remember that a woman's inner psycho-bitch will (usually) never manifest at all unless the right asshole comes along to coax it out of her. So ask yourself whether or not You. Are. That. Asshole. If so, please don't inflict yourself upon the rest of the female species. Keep the one you have. You deserve her and nobody else deserves either of you.
Lastly, whether you provoked this treatment or not, if you marry this wench then you are an idiot who deserves to be killed and supplanted by a more intelligent species. You're so stupid that Darwin himself could not explain your existence. Now, wait until her back is turned and Run. Like. Hell.
-You've been whispered.